What is it that relaxes you after a long day of overstimulation?
My favourite activity to shush the constant chatter inside me goes something like this: I start by carefully peeling the top layer off of a piece of cardboard and feeling the corrugated, serrated layer beneath, or by peeling tape from its flat flaky surface.
Am I weird?
I don’t know, maybe . . .
However, my love for textures is somehow related to my complicated relationship with my own breasts. I bring these two in relation because after hitting puberty, my breasts started growing, and I was subjected to a lot of indecent comments from middle-aged men on the streets. As a result, I resorted to wearing heavily textured clothes to divert attention from my body. The tactile sensation of the fabric provided a sense of security and comfort amidst the unwanted attention. I found myself brushing my hands over the fabric for hours on end, which felt therapeutic.
I want people to look at breasts in a non-sexual way because oversexualization has contributed to women falling prey to sexual predators, and objectification has created an environment where women are viewed as sexual objects rather than individuals. There are several instances of being oversexualised or being seen as a sex object that led me to create the exhibit Breasts 1 for the ‘Queer Objects 1.0’ exhibition held in Guwahati in 2023.
Who I am and how it all started
I have always had large breasts for as long as I can remember. By virtue of having big breasts even during my pre-teens, my mother got me training bras. I remember them as super uncomfortable and never coming in my size. I also remember how my bra straps would always leave a nasty rash on my shoulders at the end of the day. I was absolutely not allowed to leave the house without wearing one, because the female members in my house believed that if I didn’t have them on at all times, even while sleeping, my boobs – already huge – would probably sag. A much lesser appreciated yet obvious fact is that gravity will drag your heavy boobs down, so there is absolutely nothing you can do about it.
From the icky under-boob sweat to the excruciating nipple itch that strikes especially when you are in public to the fact that having big boobs made running or jumping painful due to the strain on my chest, the inconvenience during the summers would be even more. To top it all, it was never fun getting catcalled on my way home from school by middle-aged men. Fun times!
Despite the inconveniences, I was praised by romantic partners for owning a large pair of breasts because apparently it is what most men desire. They overlooked, or didn’t bother with the inconveniences that I faced. This left me with contradicting feelings. Navigating my relationship with my body has been complex, with tiny steps towards acceptance. Nevertheless, I still grapple with the challenges my large breasts present.
Back when I was in high school, and two years away from appearing for my board exams, a relative who’s also a teacher by profession was appointed to give me home tuition. I felt really safe at first, but six months into my tutoring sessions, I started noticing a change in his behaviour. In no time, he’d started to molest me. It went on for a year until I (finally) couldn’t take it anymore, and I confronted and dismissed him. My parents were shocked but decided it’d be best to not stretch the matter or talk about it ever again.
In my last year of high school, I started attending group tutoring sessions, which I assumed would be relatively safer, only to be touched inappropriately by the teacher. These experiences left a bitter taste in my mouth and have led me to be constantly paranoid in public, or when in a room full of men, and gave birth to the voices in my head, which constantly remind me to never let my guard down. It has, over the years, caused me severe burnout.
My creation for ‘Queer Objects 1.0’ – of two breasts, in full, textured, proud display – reflects the tranquillity I experience when I touch anything that has a prominent texture to it (see adjacent photograph). By creating a 3D piece resembling human breasts, I wanted to allow the exhibition viewers to physically interact with the artwork through touch, evoke different emotions, and delve into a realm of introspection about their connection with their physical selves.
Breasts are marked by paradoxical ambiguity. On one hand, they are fetishized, and on the other, they’ve always been subjected to moral censorship. This incongruence has led to psychological discomfort for many women, including myself. The aim of my creation is to separate breasts from a sexual narrative and explore their complexity beyond objectification.
My mental health story
Though I was dealing with issues stemming from my experience in the past, it started taking a toll when I bore the brunt by being constantly policed. My parents prohibited me from letting my hair loose when out of home and wearing certain clothes. Anything that was body hugging, necklines any lower than three inches, sleeveless tops, basically anything perceived as even remotely ‘sexy’ was off limits because it looked inappropriate on a ‘heavy’ girl like me.
There were times when I saw my friends rock a skirt or a sleeveless blouse and thought to myself, your parents allow you to wear that? How are they okay with it? I started to see more and more girls of my age dress in a skimpy sort of way. It created resentment in me as I was stuck in clothes that were unflattering to my eyes. My clothes were sabotaging my self-expression and creativity.
The pent-up anger, sadness, and unresolved trauma created a void within that felt almost impossible to fill. On top of that, a few years ago, I was diagnosed with polycystic ovarian syndrome, which means my hormones are so disbalanced that they disrupt my daily life by dictating my mood, physical health, and overall wellbeing. They’re also responsible for the dark, almost beard-like hair that grows on my face, which makes me feel less ‘feminine’ and has acted as a catalyst for sabotaging my sense of identity. Since my symptom is a visible one, my bi-weekly run to beauty parlours became a bitter experience to the point where I stopped visiting any altogether due to ruthless comments that went like:
“Just thread your whole face, or else you’ll have a difficult time finding a man because you look like you’re growing a beard and it’s not attractive.”
“You have so much pigmentation around your mouth that it looks like a full-blown beard; you should really get our skin-whitening facials.”
But what is femininity (or masculinity) really?
Why do I have to deal with this feeling of not being woman enough just because I have hair on my face that is atypical of a woman? Is it immutable biological differences that determine one’s sex and gender? Or, is it a specific set of characteristics or mannerisms established by society for two genders and expectations around adhering to these norms without deviation?
Why is our perception of reality so skewed that, to be considered a person worthy of respect, one must conform to a certain set of gender roles? Is it that hard to let someone live without constantly scrutinizing every aspect of their being?
In my experience, as someone assigned female at birth and who identifies as one, when I see a trans woman grappling with the concept of aligning her physical traits with her internal sense of identity as a woman, I realize the shared experience, a reflection of myself in her journey to conform to societal expectations of femininity.
This is how the idea for the second piece Breasts 2 was born (see adjacent photograph). In this creation, I’ve used a vest from a trans woman, who wore it regularly pre-gender transition, and a crepe bandage used as a binder from a trans man, again worn regularly pre-transition, till they realized how damaging it was to their body. The blooming flowers on the chest area of the vest symbolize breasts and how one’s gender identity should not be dependent on one’s physical traits.
By merging elements that serve as a testament to the two trans persons’ struggles to align their outer appearance with how they feel inside, I’ve tried to encapsulate the dissonance between gender identity and self-perception. Breasts 2 can be looked at in two ways – from the perspective of a trans man, whose self-perception includes the absence of breasts, and from that of a trans woman, whose self-perception includes the presence of breasts. Both perspectives illustrate the complexity and diversity of gender experiences.
The duality within the second piece is a reflection on the nuances of gender expression and the importance of respecting each person’s self-defined identity, regardless of the physical form they inhabit.
The first three articles in this series written by artists Mekuriiko, Hima and Mwdai, respectively, can be read here, here and here – Editor.
About the main photo: Author Kheya Barai and ‘Queer Objects 1.0’ curator Rishav Thakur pose with the author’s creations. All photo credits: Bhaskar Jyoti Rabha (@bhaskarj_rva)
Beautiful!! Forces you to reflect.
Thank you Kheya , for writing this so bluntly. I have struggled all my life with the discomfort from bras, with deep cuts from the straps and severe rashes when I am in hot humid circumstances for a long time. The society, my parents as well, my convent school together and my personal experiences of constant molestations from childhood made select the thickest and loosest of clothes, most unattractive as possible as my choice clothings throughout my life. It was like creating a safety zone by being sexually unattractive. So I get your sensation of the corrugated cardboard.
Unhealthy obsession with breasts was clearly in display when a billboard of a local bra company was being regularly attacked , poking holes where the breast were. Later after police complaints and surveillance it was found that a bunch old men would attack it while on their early morning walk. So called respectable men of the society.
Definition of ideal woman and ideal man is also so created by the beauty industry, so that all their products and treatments can sell. each human is beautiful as they are, as that is their own unique body, hair or not. These art work should make everyone sit up and think.