The power of a letter

In August 1995, as a young NRI woman in the West, I was beginning to understand my identities of race, ethnicity, sexuality, and gender – searching for how and when, or if, they came together. I yearned to be around other people like me but was not sure of where to find them.

I longed to spend time in India, the place of many monsoon-soaked summer vacations of my youth. Now I would be returning as an adult, with my own hopes and plans. It is with this in mind that I wrote a letter. A handwritten letter, sent by post, to Counsel Club, Kolkata. I must have found them through Trikone Magazine, an important source of connection for brown queers in the West at that time.

This was pre-Internet, a time when we scoured columns, articles, and ads from those wanting to connect and offer support, as we searched for inclusion and belonging. And to make sense of who we were by finding others like us.

I actually received a response to my letter! SS, a Counsel Club member, replied and came and met me at my grandparents’ house in Pune, though I did not tell them who she was or why she was meeting me. She was a few years older than me, and I remember thinking how cool she seemed, as she arrived on a motorbike. She had lovely short black hair, and a very sweet smile. We talked for some time, and then she left; I was too shy to ask if we could meet again.

Life went on, and I continued to establish my life, making social and queer connections, creating chosen family, and building my career in non-profits. I did not think much about the letter or the meeting with SS again, though I continued to long for finding queer connection in India.

Over the years, I went to many pride festivals, dyke marches, and trans marches – small ones in their beginning stages and some of the largest in the world, in Toronto and San Francisco. I remember realizing at my 10th pride that I was no longer ‘coming out’ – I was ‘out’. That was a turning point for me, as I realized some of my questions had been replaced with degrees of knowing, ease, and confidence, even if what I knew of queer was mostly in a white western context. However, questions of inclusion, belonging, visibility continued to move in and out of my mind, and I tried to find a place for them to settle.

The search for brown queer connection continued, and I found it in momentary spaces and times, but still never fully felt these spaces were mine to claim. I then found a new strategy, which was to create and facilitate the spaces that I sought. At brown queer gatherings and conferences, I would submit workshop proposals, as a way to alleviate some of my awkwardness. I did this at ‘DesiQ’ in San Francisco, USA in 2000 and 2013. There was also the much smaller ‘Lotus Roots’ in Vancouver, Canada in 2002.

The letter of 1995 faded into the far reaches of my mind. Instead, I started to work towards creating more actively the spaces where I would feel seen.

* * *

In fall 2023, I received a Linkedin message from Pawan Dhall. He was doing queer archival research and asked to interview me for a study looking at how queer cultural exchanges had taken place between India and the West before the Internet. He still had the letter I had written in 1995 and sent me a copy! We had the interview and then I got in touch again when I was planning a trip to India. In December 2023, the hopes and wishes of that letter from 1995 were realized more fully, as the letter had been answered again, a connection made, an invitation offered.

Now an established scholar and practitioner in queer mental health, I was well respected and well recognized academically and professionally. Perhaps my work had continued to be the forum through which to seek inclusion and belonging. Did this mean I had not found it as yet? What was I still searching for, and would I know when I had found it?

With a combination of nervousness and excitement, I arrived in Kolkata, in time for the ‘20th Kolkata Rainbow Pride Walk’ a few days later. As my plane landed, I sorted through the many expectations in my mind, and could not decide where to settle. How would my host be, he had seemed so kind in our phone calls, and had so warmly invited me to meet him. What would he be like in person, and would we have enough to talk about?

A few hours later Pawan met me at my hotel, and we chatted briefly in the lobby. He then took me to the Zoom Tea-O-Graphy café. As our taxi pulled up, I took an excited breath, seeing a ‘Kolkata Pride’ flag hanging outside this lovely space, a first for me to be in a queer space in South Asia. The promise of that letter was finally being realized.

Pawan and I chatted easily for hours about our lives, families, our professional and academic interests. Meanwhile, in the background, a group of young gay men were preparing to go to the ‘Pride Ball’. The next day Pawan invited me to his home for a lovely evening and meal with other people in his circle. In a short time, I had already met so many wonderful people. Indians know how to extend hospitality graciously, and I felt like I was making new friends and being welcomed into a community.

* * *

Sunday’s pride walk (on December 17, 2023) reminded me of my first pride experience all the way back in 1995. I was again overwhelmed and emotional. This time though I was with thousands of brown queers – surrounded by warmth, love and family. Our proclamation ‘Love is Love’ truly signifies what we know to do for ourselves, it is what we lead with, what drives us to build our relationships and find community.

I found the new friends from dinner the night before, and they continued to introduce me to others. We wished each other “Happy Pride”, complemented each other’s outfits, hugged, and shook hands. I loved every moment of the walk. I continued to hear from others about Pawan’s work and its impact, and hoped that I would also provide the same support to others in my community. In fact, I realized this is perhaps what I have been doing all along, without giving it a name, building community through activism.

Exhausted from the walk, I had a short rest at my hotel and then went to the after party. There I met more friends, more new people, and danced and sang. I left with a happy and fulfilled heart.

Did I find what I was looking for in Kolkata? I had a new experience of belonging, it has led me to a new chapter, and I look forward to seeing how it unfolds.

I am already planning my 2024 visit, but for a much longer stay with my newfound community. Thank you, Pawan; thank you ‘Kolkata Pride’ – from the bottom of my heart. Some things are worth waiting for.

Photo credits: Meera – both photographs show scenes from the ‘20th Kolkata Rainbow Pride Walk’ held on December 17, 2023